Tim Legler Is a Jerkoff

Tim Legler is a jerkoff. And you can tell him I said so. Did anyone watch that Orlando game? The guy's fucking insufferable. And who the fuck does he think he is?

I was down in Washington, DC one time picking up a package. This was back some years ago, when Jackie was still in charge. God rest his sweet soul. That was a devastating loss, with all due respect to our current leader. While I was down there, I was taken to a basketball game by Dom Rancicio, a business associate. His wife got cancer, bless her, and he'd started fucking some new broad. But this goomah, she was a dancer or some shit for the Bullets. So we had to go the game so Dom could pretend like he cared.

It was alright, though. Dom got us front-row tickets, and we sat down where the waiter will bring you beer and hot dogs. One of the ushers at the arena was into Dom for 10 large, the juice was running, and he couldn't pay the vig. So that week, Dom pushed the points up to 4 and on top of that, that asshole usher had to comp us on the food. I tell ya, those were the best tasting hot dogs I ever had. I put down five. Normally I wouldn't have been such a pig; I like to take care of myself, and there were a couple of ladies next to us. But you know how those arenas are, always shying you with that shit. So I had to take advantage; strike while the iron's hot, you know? Not for nothin', but I wasn't being greedy. I turned to one of those girls next to us, and I said, "Hey, Sweetheart, you like meat?" Then I gave her a hot dog. Stuck up bitch didn't wait for me afterwards, though.

During warm ups, Legler was shooting from all over. At one point, he was right in front of us, and he started talking to the broad next to me. He motioned in my direction and said, "Is this your boyfriend?" Before anyone said anything, this fucking guy goes, "I hope not; you're too pretty for him." Madonn'! But I kept my cool and kind of laughed it off. He was just bustin' balls. At least, I thought. Later, in between quarters, he was looking down and playing with his shorts, so I told that lady, "Watch this," and I yelled, "Hey, Prick Boy, you lost your stugots? Must be hard to find when they're so small!" Again, we were just bustin' balls. But then, he crossed the line. This fuck, Legler, he goes, "Well your mom said they're bigger than yours, and I'll ask your girlfriend over here what she thinks of them later." Can you believe it? He insulted my ma? In front of a lady? That's not right. If it hadn't been on account of Dom and all, I would have gotten up and made Legler wish he didn't have balls to begin with.

I always knew that prick was no good, and it's evident when he's on TV now. Honestly, I am embarrassed. I can't believe anyone even hired such a mortadell. He's a terrible announcer. During the game last night, he kept saying stuff like, "Watch Dwight Howard here. He gets into the lane and dunks. That's what makes him so good." What the fuck makes him so good? All you did, Asshole, was describe an action. You didn't tell us how he was able to do it, or why he was better at it than anyone else. Don't tell T, but I was watching the game with Little Carmine, and he said something that was right on. He has a way with words, as you know. Anyway, Carmine said, "That announcer speaks in self-evidentiary eloquation. He's always saying something's good because it's good, as though the result itself is a sufficient enlightenment for how it was attained." Fuck me. I couldn't have put it better.

Another thing I don't like about Legler is that he talks like he thinks he's better than everyone else. I know he's supposed to be some fuckin' basketball wizard, but the prick talks likes he's the king of fuckin' England. Or the Holy Father. Ohhhh! Am I wrong? And not for nothin', but I drive a Cadillac. That's American-engineering at its finest, and the classiest way to get around. So it's not like I ain't got no fucking class. But this guy, he thinks he fucking invented the sport. I say listen, Pal, aside from spending a lot of years showering with other men, nothing qualifies you to talk to me that way. Am I wrong? I wish he'd choke on a fucking josckstrap.

You know what's weird? Ralph Cifaretto used to say the same thing.

I know that my ma wouldn't want me speaking ill of the dead, but I gotta say some things about Ralphie.

Now, don't get me wrong, Ralph can va fa napole. (Hehe--he probably already has. You know what I mean? I'm sorry, I'm sorry, that was out of line.) Anyway, everyone knows that he and I didn't always make pleasantries at each other. We didn't have a dignitary kind of relationship; he showed no respect for anyone. That fuck screwed me on that one knock over job, he left Little Paulie standing in the cold like an asshole, he made me look bad in front of the Skip, he disrespected the Bing, and he was always wearing it, what with those slippers and those silken scarves. I always thought he might have been a fanook, like that fat fuck Vito, although he did sleep with broads. Ralph also drove a wedge in between me and T, and he was very disrespectful toward Ginny Sack. Don't forget that joke he made about her. Just thinking about it makes me mad. The balls of that fuckin' guy.

But my real point is this: he was right about Tim Legler. Ralph used to bet a lot, but he'd always avoid a game that Legler had talked about. Ralphie would say, "The fucking whores down at the Bing know more than this asshole." And he was right, that asshole.